I had a Jerry Maguire moment today.

[dametheadee]

[[Reposted and unlocked for the benefit of some non LJ readers.  All future comments will be screened]]


So I wrote a manifesto of sorts to share with my Livejournal friends.  This is a very long post - don't feel obligated to read.

Standards. I thinks I gots them, then I realize that when people ask me what my standards are, I have a very hard time talking to them about it. And then I get frustrated when people don’t meet my standards. Hard for them to do when I can’t even identify what they are. 

 

  

I know when I go to an SCA event, I expect the people “up front” to put on the show. The people in the audience, and throughout the event, look to those people as examples of courtesy and gentility. If the people “up front” don’t take that seriously, and the whole thing degenerates into a dress up version of computer and sports and gaming talk, or making so many jokes and silliness in court that nobody is taking it seriously, I feel like I have wasted my time to a large extent, because I could’ve gone over to my buddy’s house and done all that for a lot less money and effort.

I think the SCA as a whole has gotten away from being a place where we gently correct people and guide them. I think many of us (and yes, I am including myself) do not take as much care as we could to foster an environment where we can suspend disbelief and forget that we are not actually medieval people. I know there are a lot of material details that we have to overcome to get to that point (cars, pop cans, polyester t-tunics, etc.) but I really believe that it doesn’t matter as much what people wear and how they travel to the event or what tent they sleep in as how they act and treat others. For a society that claims to be based on chivalric ideals (which last time I checked, included courtesy and honor), we have slipped up quite a bit.

 

I have been contemplating my path to get to a place where I am doing these things. I am far from perfect in my endeavors. And truthfully, I am not working towards complete authenticity in my dress. But I am working to be sure that I am not being a hypocrite in the manners department. 

In considering all of this, I have realized I expect these things in my dealings with people in general, not just in the SCA. I started writing a list of things I consider important for me. In evaluating the relationships I have, I find I am drawn to people that seem to have similar standards. So here are some of my thoughts, and after reading these things, I must say that I am apparently a firm believer in accountability and personal responsibility. Many of the following things seem repetitive in reading them, but I think that they are variations on a theme. I feel like I am writing my manifesto a-la-Jerry-Maguire, and would not blame you a bit if you don’t read any farther. 

 

 

Things that I try to live by:

• Lead by Example!!! Actions almost always speak louder than words. In fact I can think of exactly one example in my entire life where that is not true. And no, I am not going to share.

  • Follow through when you commit to do something for someone else. If you have to back out TELL SOMEONE who can take over or make sure things get done.
  • Be genuine in your interactions with others – people are more perceptive than most of us give them credit for. And above all else be honest with yourself. You are the one you have to answer to in the big picture.
  • People should do their level best with their endeavors and ask for help if they need it. If you are going to bother, why are you bothering to do things in a half-assed fashion? That being said, effort goes a long way with me. Perfection is a bonus, not a requirement. And also a matter of perception – I may have a different way of looking at something than you. Everyone works at their own pace and their own level, which does not mean that they are not working as hard as I am.
  • If someone asks you for help, try to help if you can. If you can’t help, say no in a manner that hopefully will not leave them thinking they shouldn’t have asked for help in the first place.
  • I don’t want to have my time wasted by people who ask me questions and don’t want to hear the answers. If you ask me a question, be courteous enough to listen to the answers. Which is not the same as doing what I say.
  • No whining and bitching unless the ultimate intended result of said whining and bitching is to come to some sort of consensus or understanding on what can be done to solve the problem. Negative commentary can lead to productive outcome, but not necessarily. 
  • It is OK to vent frustration (which is not the same as bitching and complaining), as sometimes just saying things aloud can help you really pinpoint the problem.
  • Even if you isolate yourself, you are never really all alone in the world. Someone is affected by your presence. We are all part of many communities/tribes/clans, etc. Don’t fool yourself that nobody cares about you.
  • Think about what you say before you say it. Careless words can have a lasting impact. So can carefully constructed sincere positive words. A carefully thought-out phrase can go a long way towards gaining allies and working out problems.
  • Don’t expect the world to be fair. It won’t be. Some people will be recognized or acknowledged for things they didn’t do or did not do as well as someone else. Life is not like children’s sports teams – not everyone will get to play, and there are winners and losers. But the definitions of “winner” and “loser” often have nothing to do with who gets the most points. It is all about perspective.
  • Don’t be thin skinned about everything. Not everything is a personal thing directed at you. If you don’t have a vested relationship with that person, why are you allowing them to tear you up emotionally? 
  • You are in control of your emotional energy and how it is spent. Nobody can “make” you feel a certain way. You allow that to happen. So if you don’t like how you feel or react to a certain situation, you can decide to change it. 
  • If you don’t put in a share of effort/work/commitment, don’t be surprised when you are not rewarded in the same fashion as those who are doing the work.
  • Don’t be so hung up on the concept that rewards are only in the form of a big shiny thing (i.e. an award from an SCA crown, or praise from the boss at work). Many of the most gratifying rewards come from the unexpected places.   If you are so focused on the “big show” just because you think it will gain you favor or reward,  you can miss a lot of positive things in the world, as well as missing out on a lot of positive, authentic relationships with other people.
  • Respect other people’s points of view, contributions,  and input. If we don’t respect the contributions made, people will stop making them, and we will have nothing. That doesn’t mean everyone gets to do everything they want, but it does mean we should be courteous and respectful even when declining an offer of help, or telling someone why their idea is not going to work. Better yet is to help them figure out a way it can work, whenever possible.
  • It is OK to try something even if you are not sure you will be able to do it. How else does a person learn? The definition of “failure” is all about perspective, just the same as the terms “winning” and “losing”
  • Be gracious when someone complements you. It just takes a moment to say thank you. And these moments can be very rewarding. If someone tries to criticize you, it is OK to hit the ball back to them by asking them what their suggestions are to improve the thing or situation. But use this method with caution – they may actually give you an answer, and at that point it would be pretty ill-mannered not to at least listen to them. The other option is to simply say “Thank you for your input,” and walk away. 
  • Own your mistakes. Be bold enough to admit when you are wrong, and say you are sorry if you are. Nobody’s perfect, and acknowledging that can go a long way to rebuilding a relationship with someone you have wronged. And sometimes it is worth saying you are sorry even if you feel you are not the only one that contributed to the bad situation. It is usually worthwhile to open a dialogue.
  • Not every problem can be fixed. Some can be fixed, just not immediately. Sometimes it is not all about your timeline.
  • Arrogance is not helpful. Being proud of accomplishments is OK but a lot of it has to do with presentation. Arrogance also can come in the form of acting like your way is right and everyone else is wrong. Even if you have a great idea, you might be able to make it even greater if you take the time to listen to someone else. And even if you don’t implement their ideas with yours, you have been respectful towards them. 
  • Don’t dumb it down when you are presenting information or ideas to other people. It is condescending. The corollary to that is that you need to foster open communication so people know they can ask questions if they are not sure what you mean by something. The other corollary is that it is equally rude to deliberately talk over someone’s head as if you are smarter than they are because you use fancier words or concepts.   The idea should be to communicate. Otherwise, why are you talking?
  • No questions are stupid. It is arrogant to think you are so much smarter than another person that you cannot take the time to try to answer a question if they ask. Just because you may have been asked the same question a million times does not mean that person has asked it more than once. And don’t pretend to know a definitive answer if you don’t know it. It is totally acceptable to say “I think it is <answer>,” or “I don’t know, but I will find an answer.” (as long as you then follow through)
  • Don’t expect someone to return a favor or kindness directly. If you do, you lose the spirit of generosity. I often think of it in terms of karmic balance. If I do something positive for someone, and someone (whether it is the same person or someone else) gives me something positive, I am ahead of the game. 
  • The above statement does not apply to financial transactions. If you borrow money, pay it back.   Try not to do that in the first place if you can avoid it – a lot of times, it does not end well.
  • Try to be a positive force in your community rather than an energy sink. I think of this in terms of positive and negative contributions. I tend to think that if I live by my own expectations as listed here, my balance will stay pretty good overall.
  • Not every person in a community can or needs to be a leader. A great check on my perspective in the world is to be a follower for a while. That is not to be confused with being a sheep. Or a lemming.
  • With power (perceived or real) comes responsibility. Don’t be an ass by abusing the power you have. And power does not equal control.
  • Take care of your physical and emotional self. Go to the doctor if you are sick. Be fiscally responsible. Eat healthy and exercise. Get enough sleep. Work on your relationships. Take your meds if the doctor prescribes them, as well as vitamins, etc.. All of this will help you, and at least you will be working on the solution, which, by its very nature, makes you a more positive person.
  • Being proactive not reactive is a good thing. If you think things through, you can avoid some of the stressors of life. (Not all, because nobody can control everything)
  • If you are noticing a recurring problem in your life (the same thing or type of thing keeps happening to you over and over and you don’t like it), perhaps it would be helpful to take a look at what you are doing to allow or create that situation. A lot of times the common denominator in all of the different situations is you, not the other guy(s).
  • Your standards and expectations may or may not apply to me (or vice versa). However, it is important to be mindful of community standards. If there are standards in a group you are part of, and you don’t like them, you have the ability to work on changing them, or the freedom to leave the group if you don’t want to (or cannot) change it. The corollary here is that just because the group does something does not always mean it is the right thing. Sometimes you have to be the voice of dissention if it is because you believe in something. 
  • Don’t be afraid to raise the bar or to hold the bar up so it doesn’t lower (or have drink or two at the bar if needed). Sometimes you will feel like you are the only one but the reality is that like minded people are out there. And by being brave enough to show people what you believe, and by being honest about who you are, you increase the chances that you will find your kindred spirits in the world.
   

 

And for the record, I want to state that these are things I strive for, not things I think I have mastered. I don’t expect someone else to have all these things figured out, either. 

 

I just know it goes a long way with me if I can see that someone is making an effort. 

Thanks if you took the time to read the whole thing.  I appreciate it.  If you want to share your thoughts and don't want to comment where everyone can read, please feel free to send me a private message.  I look forward to any comments any of you want to share.

 

"The decisions that you make and the actions that you take upon the earth
are the means by which you evolve."  - Gary Zukav